If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
