i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
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