2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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