yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize