mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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