am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
