I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize