i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
