1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
