I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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