If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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