Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
