For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
