My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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