did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
