didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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