SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
