Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I hate all girls vehemently.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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