my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
