we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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