I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
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