he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
