I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
