He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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