I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
