when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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