my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
