so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
