I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
