I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
