I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
