my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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