the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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