Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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