Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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