seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
