so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I think I am morally bankrupt
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
