Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
