We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
