She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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