Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize
