she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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