Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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