Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
