So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize