So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
