Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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