I wish I could teleport
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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