haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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