Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
