no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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