hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
