shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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