There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
