never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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