my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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