why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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