I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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