you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Randomize
