I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Randomize
