Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
We left the knife in your bed.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
