Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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