ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize