You don't have asthma, your pregnant
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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