just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize