I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
