i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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