Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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