Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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