well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
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