my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
