Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
