I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
